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I can’t help but cry today… I hear His heart so plainly… with such clarity…
The God I know doesn’t take us by force… He does not make us have a relationship with Him. Instead, He woes us by His love and goodness. He doesn’t come in law, but in grace. His gift was not the law, no that was just a way to show us how much we need Him. We can never do it on our own, we need His help. Yet, we still try over and over again to do it on our own, we don’t trust Him. We believe He wants to control us, but God is not about control. If His heart was to control us, He would of done it long ago. We would be these little robots walking around doing everything He said. Nope, that is NOT His heart. His heart is love, gentle, and sacrificial. Love does not demand it’s own way…. love believes the best of people. He sees us in our potential. He sees us whole, and complete. and yet I believe He also sees us just as we are, and He knows us deeply. He knows every crack, every crevace, and sees every part. We are never hidden from Him. He knows us and YET He LOVES US! He doesn’t love us cause He HAS to, but because He wants to.
We are His special treasure, not because we love HIM… HE LOVED US FIRST, remember? He loves to love us even if we don’t love Him in return. Why? Why is His love so sure so good? I do not know… It is beyond my comprehension.
He is too wonderful for words…
The school board voted to close my kids school down tonight. 
I am still so bummed about this. We bought our house here for this school. I have been looking at many options for my kids. I was thinking about a charter school here but realized it would be close to a hour in the car each trip and I am just not willing to drive that far. I mean, it would have to be the last resort. Two times a day is too much I think. I would wear out quickly. Especially since the drive to and from Elijah’s school wears me out and that is only 7 minutes there and 7 minutes back.
I think I know what school I am going to send the kids to and it still means driving more then I have been, but I think it will work for us. It’s like 10 minutes there and 10 back.
I am currently wearing Miss Rebecca in her Moby Wrap. She was loving it at first and then got fussy. So I beat her butt and she went to sleep. Dustin is laying down with Abbie to get her to go to sleep cause she was bouncing off the walls literally.
I think I am starting to notice a difference with my meds, but only slightly. I am hoping it really starts kicking in soon. (speaking of anti-depressants)
Also, thursday morning I am going in to have a tooth removed, it is one of my bottom molars. it is so sensitive. I am soooooooooooo not looking forward to that at all.
Ok, I am off for now…
I do not always get along with my in-laws. Especially my husband’s step father, but he did something special for me and it really meant a lot. He took my great grandmothers table that I had that the kids had broken and fixed it as a surprise for me. He returned it to me today and I almost cried. It was really special to me. I do not have many family “heirlooms”, they just don’t exist in my family, so any thing I do have I treasure. 
I hate it when people ask me, “how are you?” I struggle with knowing how to answer that question. Are they genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say to answer that question? Right now I do not really feel anyone is genuinely interested in me, my thoughts, or feelings, or my struggles.
I am the kind of person who tends to complain a lot. I see the negative in just about everything. I am constantly frustrated and dealing with something.
Right now I am sooooooooo overwhelmed I can barely breathe. As I wrote in my last post I am struggling with depression right now, more so then usual. And it is getting worse and I am scared. Can I say that when someone asks me how I am? Or is that too much information? Can I say that tonight I envisioned myself packing up the baby in the middle of the night and going to a hotel room just so I can find some silence and serenity? Or maybe just abandoning my family altogether. Yeah, I thought about that. It isn’t cause I do not love my family. I just have so much on my plate right now and I am the kind of person who when overwhelmed begins to shut down completely or has panic attacks. I have both going on.
I love my children…. but I just cannot get control of them all right now. I don’t know how. They are out of control, so is my house, and so is my heart. It’s complete chaos. I get two steps forward and 5 steps backward.
I had really hoped my mother was going to come and live with us. She needs to. She can’t afford to live by herself anymore. She is desperately needed by me. Yet, I cannot tell her that. She is too busy looking for someone else to rescue. That’s what she does. She is more worried about my younger sister and has deemed me as the one she never has to worry about. And here I am holding on by a thread. losing my sanity. What am I going to do?
My husband is on spring break from school this week and yet he is not here. He is at the school, working on his senior project. I KNOW how important his schooling is. I never question it’s value or importance. I know he has to go to work and yet every time he leaves I panic. When I know he cannot be home for hours and that I have to take care of the kids by myself, I lose it.
What have I done to myself? What am I doing to my children?
My doc called in an antidepressant, only my pharmacy says they didn’t get it. So I called back and forth between the two over and over again, I will try again tomorrow.
Oh and today I had to go get my tooth fixed. What was a 350 dollar fix is now a 500 dollar fix. I have to go to a special periodontist for crown lengthening.
The last two weeks my emotions and frustration have taken on new heights. I have felt completely overwhelmed. I have broken down and cried often as I realized how much more i needed to do in one day, or for the week. If Dustin has to stay late at work or school, I have a complete meltdown. I have been angry at him and everyone about everything. I feel like the whole weight of responsibility for our family is on my shoulders. I don’t get any help around here from Dustin or the kids. I mean, it feels like I am pulling teeth to get any help.
Thursday was a major breaking point for me. I had asked Dustin to do some things on wednesday night, but he didn’t. I was exhausted because I didn’t have enough sleep the night before because Rebecca was up really late. Anyway…. I really lost it… I am embarrassed to admit that I was so angry at one point that I hit myself on the top of my head several times. I sound crazy… so I think it is time to call someone, before it gets any worse.
I hate depression. I hate how it affects me and everyone around me. I just want to cry and cry and cry right now.
People say God is their best friend. They talk to God, He talks to them, and they are soooooooo close and it’s all so wonderful.
It’s been YEARS since God was my best friend. Not because I don’t want Him to be but because I honestly don’t think about Him as much as I need to for Him to be my best friend. Do I pray? Yes, I do pray. Do I pray often? every day. For hours? No. Maybe for minutes here and there through out my day. They are not deep conversations. Occasionally I share my frustrations, or my thoughts, or I ask for help with something. Do I read the bible? Not often enough. I miss that part. I love the bible. Reading has never been a strong part of my life. I mean, I am not very fast at it, and I can read something and never remember a thing I read. So I take my time and read stuff over and over again so I remember it. And cause I do that, I don’t read very often. I try to read a couple pages of something every day though.
MY children and husband consume 95 percent of my day. This includes cleaning and cooking, etc. There is this 5 percent of my day that I spend either reading or watching tv. I love watching tv, it is the only thing I can do to completely veg out.
The last few days though I have been praying in the spirit when I take my shower. Usually if I do this, I have to force myself to do it. This has been just something I have the urge to do…. and I just can’t help doing it. I have to. Not sure what has changed, but I like it.
Life is…. going to a community forum in the evening to discuss why they want to close my children’s school which lasted 2.5 hours.
Life is… then going grocery shopping so that Grace can have chocolate chip cookies for her “zero the hero” treat at school. (zero the hero is how they celebrate things like the 10th day of school, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, etc.. and on and on)
Life is… then coming home to a sleeping baby who had slept all evening, waking her up, nursing her, changing her, nursing her yet again… hoping she will go to sleep since it is 1am and I haven’t slept a wink yet.
Life is… falling asleep while the baby nursed, waking up hours later, thankful she is still on me and then going back to sleep after adjusting the baby…
Life is….. then waking up at 6:30 in the morning, unable to really open my eyes but trying to force myself to focus and shower and get the kids ready for the day.
Life is…. hectic… exhausting…. mind numbing…. emotional…. for me right now…
Life has taken on new meaning with having a fifth child. I mean, I went from busy to more busy. And I have felt myself truly panicking about all that I am responsible for. There are times I resent the dog for needing to go potty cause it is just another thing I have to do and am responsible for. How can one person balance so many things and keep it all going?
I do everything basically by myself. Dustin helps with bedtime and discipline. The house is all mine. So, in an effort to keep my sanity, I have been freecycling as much as I can and selling things too. I really want my house decluttered and organized. I don’t want to have this huge amount of excess in my house anymore.
I can’t find my kindergarteners book she brings home nightly. It has been missing now nearly two weeks. They say it isn’t at school, but I haven’t seen it at home either. I have looked everywhere and I am tired of looking quite frankly. Can I move on with my life? LOL.
Rebecca is such a beautiful baby… She has been such an amazing addition. Born on December 27th, 2008 by c-section. I need to write a thank you note to my docs, they did such an amazing job and i am so thankful.
We are still not in church at this time. But I am hoping that will change soon.
Dustin is just as busy as ever with school. His senior project is annoying and time consuming. He is also trying to work as much as he can.
We paid off our van today…. what a relief…. That is a huge weight off our shoulders. Now we just gotta get money for our roof and the list goes on and on….
That’s my life in a nutshell tonight. I am just trying to get my thoughts stirring so I can begin blogging again… hopefully blogging better. I used to love to write and I really want to get back to that.
Today, I have reached the complete end to myself physically and emotionally. I had to sit and have a good cry…
I have been on meds to stop contractions for about 2 weeks now. They really suck. They make me feel yucky and make me dizzy. I really really hate it. And I was supposed to be bedresting. As if! I have four children and my husband can’t just stop working and take care of me and there is no family to do that either. So……… I kept going, not as much, but kept going. I am also nesting big time. I mean, the time for this baby to come is getting closer and closer and I still have so much to do. And then there is my house, it is a complete and total wreck and even once I get one room cleaned up, a few hours later I have to do it all over again. So, I was on my second round of cleaning the kitchen today when I just had a break down… I sat at the kitchen table, put my head down and cried… not enough though, just enough to get my head together before my husband or children saw me. I am so desperate for real help and people. This is one of those moments in my life that I wish I had more people in my life. We spend all our time by ourselves, it seems. Other then when we go to other people. And I am really tired of begging for friendships. It’s just not worth it to me anymore.
I do have a great friend, she just lives so far away. Then I have my mom, but again, she is too far away.
Dustin is my only true constant…. it’s good and bad all wrapped up into one…
It’s been a bit crazy here…. As usual, Dustin my loving husband, is busy with a school project and he is working extra because he had a project to complete there as well. And well, that means I have been juggling our home and children even more so then normal. And he has been gone more then I like and sometimes it feels as if we are two ships passing in the night. *sigh* Luckily, we both know we intensely love each other. And we have the light at the end of the tunnel… it will get better eventually….
I also am preparing for the new baby. I am 32 weeks now, and the countdown has begun. I am washing blankets and sheets and getting ready now. I am sooooooooooooooo ready for baby day…….
