I hate it when people ask me, “how are you?” I struggle with knowing how to answer that question. Are they genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say to answer that question? Right now I do not really feel anyone is genuinely interested in me, my thoughts, or feelings, or my struggles.
I am the kind of person who tends to complain a lot. I see the negative in just about everything. I am constantly frustrated and dealing with something.
Right now I am sooooooooo overwhelmed I can barely breathe. As I wrote in my last post I am struggling with depression right now, more so then usual. And it is getting worse and I am scared. Can I say that when someone asks me how I am? Or is that too much information? Can I say that tonight I envisioned myself packing up the baby in the middle of the night and going to a hotel room just so I can find some silence and serenity? Or maybe just abandoning my family altogether. Yeah, I thought about that. It isn’t cause I do not love my family. I just have so much on my plate right now and I am the kind of person who when overwhelmed begins to shut down completely or has panic attacks. I have both going on.
I love my children…. but I just cannot get control of them all right now. I don’t know how. They are out of control, so is my house, and so is my heart. It’s complete chaos. I get two steps forward and 5 steps backward.

I had really hoped my mother was going to come and live with us. She needs to. She can’t afford to live by herself anymore. She is desperately needed by me. Yet, I cannot tell her that. She is too busy looking for someone else to rescue. That’s what she does. She is more worried about my younger sister and has deemed me as the one she never has to worry about. And here I am holding on by a thread. losing my sanity. What am I going to do?
My husband is on spring break from school this week and yet he is not here. He is at the school, working on his senior project. I KNOW how important his schooling is. I never question it’s value or importance. I know he has to go to work and yet every time he leaves I panic. When I know he cannot be home for hours and that I have to take care of the kids by myself, I lose it.

What have I done to myself? What am I doing to my children?

My doc called in an antidepressant, only my pharmacy says they didn’t get it. So I called back and forth between the two over and over again, I will try again tomorrow.

Oh and today I had to go get my tooth fixed. What was a 350 dollar fix is now a 500 dollar fix. I have to go to a special periodontist for crown lengthening.