Passion for the Purpose

It’s 6:10 am, and I am wide awake. Yes, I have actually been awake for about an hour or so. Maybe longer. Elijah had woke up in the night screaming, which woke Dustin and I up and we ran in there. HE had a bad dream. He was all sweaty, and our room has a fan, so I moved him to my bedroom floor, hoping to cool him down so he could go back to sleep. I did go back to sleep at first… but I don’t think he did. I think he laid there in the dark playing with his trains (He is obsessed with Thomas the tank engine trains) and sucking his thumb (which he is too old to do, so it grates my nerves). And listening to these little noises for an hour or two woke me up to complete awakeness. Finally, I decide I am going to move the living room. So I come down and climb in our recliner and turn on the window unit air conditioner in our living room, so maybe I can get another hour of sleep or so. It was not to be… Next thing I know, both Elijah and Abigail (the two year old) come bursting into the living room. “Mom” Abbie cried out. So they are laying on the couch watching cartoons, and me, I already unloaded and loaded my dishwasher, since I didn’t do it last night. And now I am sitting for a moment writing a blog post before i need to shower. It just so happens, we have to be at the doctors before 8:15 for Audrey and Elijah’s well checks. Then I have an OB appt. at 9am. I guess it is good last night was the night I didn’t get much sleep cause at least I needed to get up anyway. Right?

Lately I haven’t been nearly as insightful about the bible or God as I like to be. I haven’t spent as much time in prayer as I would like, and therefore it is really affecting me in every area. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by the kids, the house, and life…. and then my spiritual life is affected in a big way. And then, when I do simple things like get in the van to go get fast food and I hear a worship song and I feel my spirit sucking the spiritual life out of that one song. Not sure that even make sense… but I am like a dry sponge… thirsty for any water… and if that is all I get, I am going to suck it dry…. so I am wet again…. lol

I have been asking God…. What do I have to offer those around me so that they will know Jesus? How can I show my friends and neighbors the love of Jesus? Hmmmmmm…. Tell me Jesus……

I think I want to start a new thing, every thursday post about the things I am thankful for… I think this will be good and it will give me something to blog about…

I am so thankful that Jesus died for me and rose again. I am thankful that he has made me a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new. I think I experience a new level of this all the time as I allow Him to work in me.

I am thankful for my husband. He is perfect for me. I can’t believe how God made him for me and I get to spend the rest of our lives enjoying each other and being there for each other. He is so good at comforting me when I need it and he is my best friend. I don’t always think he is as funny as i did when we first got married, but I am learning to laugh again with him.

I am thankful for my kids… Each one is so different, so unique, and they bring different things to my life. Some not so good and some really awesome things. I can’t imagine life without any one of them.

Ok, that’s enough for this week… I know it is generic… but it is a start…

I think it was honestly the first day Dustin has been home all day on a saturday in so long. I enjoyed it well. We are buying our first home. We spent today gathering information for our mortgage guy, which we need to mail in on monday. And then I went to the grocery store, but made it short cause I realized I really wanted to go find some farmers markets and see what was out this time of year. So, I came home unloaded what I had gotten and then packed the kids and the hubby in the car and we headed to our normal farmers market. Sadly, all they had was squash. So we skipped it. We drove around until we found another. It had yummy black cherries, and blueberries (which I shall make pancakes with in the morning, yum), and green beans and red potatoes. Then I really wanted to find some corn, so I made Dustin drive around even more, and finally I found a stand that had corn! Yippee!!! Oh and they had yummy zuchini, gold and green. That’s what we had for dinner, corn on the cob, zuchini, and bbq chicken on the grill…. That made my day.

All my children are in bed, though I can hear the two older girls fighting and yacking. I am also listening to my husband click away on his keyboard. I really should be cleaning, sorting, and packing. I can’t believe we are buying our first house. We hope to close at the end of this month. It’s exciting and nerve wracking. My heart is already at that other house. I just want to be there. It has so much character. It does need some work. But I am looking forward to most of it. Like working in the garden, or painting the kids rooms.

I think that is enough rambling for now… I should work more on our mortgage preparation.

My darling husband, as he is known this morning as, was such a sweetheart this morning. He left for work, went and got gas and bought me a french vanilla cappicino and brought it home and left it right on the desk in front of my computer for me. (my heart melting) Usually when he does this, I have begged and pleaded, and he has hmmm’ed and haw’ed. But today, he did it all on his own. Moments like these show me his love. Remind me that he is willing to give up 5 minutes of his day to bring a smile to my face.

Funny thing is, wednesday and tuesday evenings, he drove me crazy. I mean seriously, he was mean and ugly and I wanted to give him the boot. Not sure what his problem was. But I was seriously not happy with his crankiness. (I wasn’t really going to give him the boot, but at moments like those, it would be easy to do, lol)

He was pretty decent last night when he got home from school. And when he is in a good mood, the world is perfect. Ya know? I love him like crazy. Even for all his cranky times.

I like to listen to worship music really loud… I pretend I am in the throne room and that I cannot hear my kids in the background destroying their playroom. LOL. It doesn’t really work, but it is what I like to do. Especially on the long days that Dustin is gone to work and then all evening to college classes. It’s my survival technique. So far, it isn’t working for me. My house is usually destroyed at the end of it, even though I clean while having the music so loud.

What do you do?

I am tired of sitting on the sidelines

tired of everyone else doing and being

and here I sit, watching unsure of how to jump in

I do not know my portion yet

but I know I have one

I am ready to seek your face

to find my place

take me Jesus to where I need to be

to discover me

the me you have made me to be

I am ready to embrace all that You are

and all that you’ve placed in me

just help me, Lord, to see

what it is You have called me to

I want to be counted, I want to go and do

I pick up my cross…

I count life as loss

and follow You wherever you lead

as long as we are hand in hand

I’ll never fail

You are my one desire Lord

my love and my life

Take me

When I was a youth, I had so many dreams and plans and ideas. I was full of vision for a wonderful future, doing great things for God.

I want to have a home for children, the unwanted children. I want to have a home for unwed mothers, teenage or young adult, to help them realize the potential of their life and see how much God truly loves them and has put inside of them. I want my home to be a refuge for hurting people. And it just goes on and on like this. I am 33. There is still time. But can I really do everything that is on my list. Is that truly what God has called me to do?

My friend Kelly has been stirring up these things in me that I had long forgotten. She isn’t doing it on purpose, or at least I don’t think she is. And I am realizing I have gotten so far away from what used to be in my heart. I always felt God wanted me to love the unlovable, to want the unwanted. Probably because I always felt that way in my life, and so I felt I should turn that around and pour into others the healing I so longed for.

Oh, and then there was this strong desire to learn to play the piano. And this has been stirring inside of me lately. I just need a keyboard to practice on. I am praying for God to provide that. I desire to write songs of worship. I do write some stuff down, but without the ability to write the music down, I do not remember it.

I had thought it was impossible to do anything with as many kids as I have. But then I recently saw Heather Clark, a worship leader, and she has 4 children… Young children like me and she is about my age, and I realized, if she can do it, so can I. Now I just have to yield to whatever God does and says to me. Is it that easy?

I have 4 children. Ages 6, 5, 4, and 2. Yes, I am very busy, why how did you guess that? LOL. Just teasing… that just always seems to be what people say to me everytime I talk about my children.

Anyway, today for the first time, I took 4 children to the mall all by myself. I wanted to go to Old Navy, I have for days. Dustin is always too busy with work and school it seems to give me enough time to go to the mall and I hate going at night anyway. So, I loaded them up in the van and we went to the mall. We parked near the entrance to Old Navy. I held Abbie’s hand, the older three held hands, and I told them to walk right behind my butt. LOL. They did okay with that, but I had to keep reminding them to stay behind me. We get into Old Navy, I realize that all the kids stuff is upstairs. Crap, we can’t take escalaters, so we walk down the mall to find an elevator. We find one in JCPenneys, then walk back down to Old Navy. We get the kids some sweatshirts. But there aren’t any good 4th of July T’s anymore in kids sizes. Bummer. I double check by asking the ladies, they confirm my disappointment. I ask about adult sizes, they inform me that the other T’s are on the bottom floor. I explain, I can’t take my kids down the escalaters by myself. I explain I had to go to JCPenneys to ride in the elevator. She smiles and says, you could take our elevator in the back right corner. I am like, OMG, you are kidding me!!! I walked all that way, when they had one all along. I felt so stupid. I take the elevator down with my 4 kiddos. We find T’s for Daddy. We pay… we leave. Getting to the van after our trip was a little more time consuming and I had to use bribes, I tell the kid we will go get nuggets, after all my pregnant tummy is craving a big fat juicey WHOPPER. LOL. We get our food and we are all happy….

Yay for me! I did it all by myself… and no one got injured, nor did I lose my temper!

Here I sit… I am in the midst of cleaning my house, as I do EVERY day. Yet, it is this endless tornado… could it be my four blessings who play their hearts out every day EVERYWHERE in my house? LOL.

I have a myspace page. Purpose, to keep in contact with people I don’t see much and to reconnect with those i lost track of over the years. Sometimes it’s hard to visit my page often, or to go to others pages, because I see so much that I am missing in my life and it truly devastates me. I have this horrible bad habit of feeling sorry for myself, so most of this I keep hidden in my heart these days. I am one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeve a lot of times, or at least I used to be.

What used to be… my life was full of friends.  I had constant pen pals as a youth, and even in my early adult years. I used to make friends easily. I used to be too honest though. I could cut and wound people so easily. But I have changed. I watch my words more carefully. I am actually afraid of sharing my deep inner thoughts. I rarely even journal anymore. I don’t know how to give way to those feelings anymore and let them pour out. I fear rejection more then I ever have in my life. I always did as a youth, but as I have been rejected more by people I have loved deeply over the years, that fear has grown and I cannot even be myself anymore.

See I can write all this here, cause it is safe. Who even looks at my blog? I can only think of a few people.

I hold onto people in my heart…. I have this vice grip internally on people. They have no idea. And because of this need for certain individuals, they continually wound me unintentionally. They have no idea how important they are to me. I am constantly reaching out to them. I call them. I write them emails. I comment on their myspace. I ask them to see me when I am close by. Often they don’t have time for me. They have no time to talk. No time to visit.

I feel their words are void of truth and meaning…. And I feel neglected and alone. They say they love me and I am special to them…

Everyone added a truth box on myspace… sounded like fun to me. Everyone asked for others to come and comment in their box. I made sure to comment on everyone of the ones I knew about or saw on their page. I put one up, I didn’t beg everyone for comments mind you, at first. But after a week  or so of it being on my page and me getting ONE comment, I was hurt. I even could tell who it was… and I love that person dearly for being so kind to me. Even my husband didn’t comment to me…. Finally after me expressing my hurt, he commented. Finally one other lone person commented. I did finally post a, “I have a truth box” in the bulletins. I felt silly about it.

Why is it there is this endless longing in my heart that longs to be wanted, loved, and accepted? Even after I know Jesus feels that way about me. Why do I need people? Well, I know God has not made me an island. But sometimes I feel like He lets me be an island. Why? Why am I alone?

I haven’t been able to remember my password for this site. I finally got in today, thanks to some spammers comments waiting approval! Thank you Spammers! LOL! I promise to blog more now. I have been anxious to get in here and blog again! Praise God!!!