One word for 2012

In 2010, my one word was TRUST. I can honestly say, I did indeed grow deeper in trust in God all throughout that year.
2011, my one word was connected. Not a fancy word, but it did speak my heart at that time, which was desiring to stop trying to escape the life I was given and to remain connected to God, and my family every day. It was a struggle, but I learned so much, and I did indeed grow in this area as well.
This leads me to this year’s word. I have been searching for just the right word. For me, it’s a word that exemplifies my goals for the year. This is the one thing I really want to focus on for the year, so I can grow as a person. My heart is at a point where it desires to SEEK God on a deeper level, to finally break through the barriers that have held me back from a deeper, closer relationship with God.

My one word for 2012 is SEEK! So glad to have finally found the word I will focus on. I hope you found your word also.

Psalm 27:8
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek.

Psalm 105:4
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Proverbs 8:17
I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.

Look here to find out more about ONE WORD 2012 www.gritandglory.com

Creating my own……

I never thought I could do something like that. Create my own curriculum. And yet, faced with my daughters inability to grasp something has forced me to create my own guided tour through math for her. I mean, it isn’t something I could sell at this moment, especially since I haven’t even see if it works yet. I am working on it though, and I am planning for my kids. I really want them to have a solid math base. I struggled with math, and still do. I know how important it is. I know that math is vital to every day life, but also particularly important if you want to go to college. So, this is why I am doing this. It’s amazing what you can do when you are forced to…. when you are faced with challenges and obstacles. I am thankful that I do not face this alone, my God is ever present guiding me and giving me wisdom in my journey. Thank you, Father, for your guiding hands…..

It’s been a long week……

Let’s just say, this week has been particularly hormonal and emotional.

I love homeschooling. I love what it represents, to me that’s family togetherness, growing in God and learning together. I love knowing who and what will influence my children day in and day out. I love knowing I can buy a new curriculum if this one doesn’t work for us. There are things that are hard about homeschooling, it seems it can be a huge money drain. lol. And sometimes everyone else in my house is negative about homeschooling, and everyone has a reason to complain. Sometimes, it feels like I am carrying a 3 ton load behind me as I slowly drag it uphill. I get tired. I get discouraged. I need breaks. I get more empty then I ever thought possible…. simply drained….

This week is one of those weeks. I am drained. I am facing this huge obstacle with my daughter who is 9. Every day I have to explain to her how to do her math problems, the same kind…. EVERY DAY. As I said, it’s the same problems she did yesterday, how in the world does she forget how to do it overnight? Then there’s the issue of her memorizing any math facts. IT’s like her brain just shuts off. So, I have been pouring over ideas and curriculum. I know I need to change our curriculum. It requires more money though, of course. So, I have been trying to shop and see and ask other people their thoughts. I am not going to jump into any curriculum, I already did that once. I don’t want to do that again.

I just feel like I am facing so many obstacles. I cannot even speak of them all. Very personal obstacles. And the doubt crept in, maybe I am not really cut out for this after all. Maybe I should quit. Selfishly, that sounds like a good idea. Yes, I said selfishly…. Because homeschooling has been what I have been pouring my whole heart and soul into for months. This is not a half hearted adventure… I have been in this with my whole being. If I sent the kids to school…. I would have hours and hours a day of near quiet. (still have the 2 year old) I could get chores done, no one would be messing up the house really for most of the day. Laundry would be caught up. I could blog more. I could play games, watch tv, eat bon bons.

But… alas… the idea of sending them back to public school turns my stomach. It’s just not right for me or our family. Homeschooling is so much more to me then teaching my kids math…. it’s discovering life together, learning, loving, finding God, learning His word…. and the list goes on and on….. I just wish everyone else could see what I see…..

Drowning in things I need to do……………….

First to mention is I had like 35 windows open in my browser of articles to read, homeschool stuff to print, my email, facebook, shopping for kids clothes, and I am trying hard right this moment to get all of that all closed so I can actually LOG OFF my login tonight. It needs a refresher.

Tomorrow morning is Bible Study, the breakfast bake is in the fridge ready to be put in the oven in the morning. The kitchen floor is freshly swept and mopped. I have stacks all over the school room as usual, but I am working on dwindling that down. I haven’t even read through my homework for bible study this week, and that is just making me sad. I actually did the homework a year ago, but I am refreshing myself, I never got to finish this study. We are doing “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, the updated version.

Last weekend, I got to go to a Beth Moore event. It was a great 24 hours away, but it was only 24 hours. Today I am feeling that I really need a break. My darling husband let me do some cleaning while he watched the kids ride their bikes tonight. They needed it and so did I. It was a short break, but it was so needed after a long day of schooling.

I won a contest recently at Ladybug’s Abode and she sent me a beautiful handcrafted cup and saucer. I love it, it is now displayed in my dining room. Do I hear thunder? I think I hear thunder. I hope so anyway, otherwise there may be little feet up again and it took them too long to settle tonight and I am in need of this moment. lol. I have no idea how to post a picture of the saucer, so I am going to send you a link to her post about the cup and saucer. http://ladybugsabode.blogspot.com/2011/07/polish-pottery-giveaway.html

I think I may need to find another math for my oldest. She is so struggling with Saxon. It is so labor intensive and not much fun. I heard about something called Life of Fred, I need to check it out so I can decide.

My kids are LOVING Expedition Earth from www.confessionsofahomeschooler.com! We are in China this week and they are having a blast. I don’t have time to build the cool Great Wall of China she had built with her kids, but we did make some easy paper lanterns. It’s all good, my kids are happy and I am happy as well.

And that is the end of my update….. Lord, give me strength every day, that’s my prayer right now.

My song right now is…. Mercy by Kristene Mueller

I feel God’s heart towards me when I hear this song… I feel the groanings and longings of His heart towards me. It comes forth deep from within me, especially the part where He says though my sins be as red as scarlet, He will wash me white with His mercy. Will I ever *GET* it?

What shall I do with you, my love?
What shall I do with you?
For your loyalty to Me is like the morning clouds,
Like the dew that goes away so early.

What shall I do with you, my love?
You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it’s your heart that I want.

Hasn’t it been a long road
With disappointments,
Chasing after lovers
That just throw you away?

And are you done fighting now?
All the love it takes to lighten you,
Shame was never meant to be your portion.

You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it’s your heart that I want.

Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.
Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.
Though these sins are red as scarlet,
I will wash them white in My mercy.

What shall I do with you, my love?
What shall I do with you?
You keep bringing Me sacrifices
To ease your mind,
But it’s your heart that I want.

Can’t help it…

I can’t help but cry today… I hear His heart so plainly… with such clarity…

The God I know doesn’t take us by force… He does not make us have a relationship with Him. Instead, He woes us by His love and goodness. He doesn’t come in law, but in grace. His gift was not the law, no that was just a way to show us how much we need Him. We can never do it on our own, we need His help. Yet, we still try over and over again to do it on our own, we don’t trust Him. We believe He wants to control us, but God is not about control. If His heart was to control us, He would of done it long ago. We would be these little robots walking around doing everything He said. Nope, that is NOT His heart. His heart is love, gentle, and sacrificial. Love does not demand it’s own way…. love believes the best of people. He sees us in our potential. He sees us whole, and complete. and yet I believe He also sees us just as we are, and He knows us deeply. He knows every crack, every crevace, and sees every part. We are never hidden from Him. He knows us and YET He LOVES US! He doesn’t love us cause He HAS to, but because He wants to.

We are His special treasure, not because we love HIM… HE LOVED US FIRST, remember? He loves to love us even if we don’t love Him in return. Why? Why is His love so sure so good? I do not know… It is beyond my comprehension.

He is too wonderful for words…

feeling sad

The school board voted to close my kids school down tonight.
I am still so bummed about this. We bought our house here for this school. I have been looking at many options for my kids. I was thinking about a charter school here but realized it would be close to a hour in the car each trip and I am just not willing to drive that far. I mean, it would have to be the last resort. Two times a day is too much I think. I would wear out quickly. Especially since the drive to and from Elijah’s school wears me out and that is only 7 minutes there and 7 minutes back.
I think I know what school I am going to send the kids to and it still means driving more then I have been, but I think it will work for us. It’s like 10 minutes there and 10 back.
I am currently wearing Miss Rebecca in her Moby Wrap. She was loving it at first and then got fussy. So I beat her butt and she went to sleep. Dustin is laying down with Abbie to get her to go to sleep cause she was bouncing off the walls literally.
I think I am starting to notice a difference with my meds, but only slightly. I am hoping it really starts kicking in soon. (speaking of anti-depressants)
Also, thursday morning I am going in to have a tooth removed, it is one of my bottom molars. it is so sensitive. I am soooooooooooo not looking forward to that at all.
Ok, I am off for now…

Something special

I do not always get along with my in-laws. Especially my husband’s step father, but he did something special for me and it really meant a lot. He took my great grandmothers table that I had that the kids had broken and fixed it as a surprise for me. He returned it to me today and I almost cried. It was really special to me. I do not have many family “heirlooms”, they just don’t exist in my family, so any thing I do have I treasure.

“How are you?”

I hate it when people ask me, “how are you?” I struggle with knowing how to answer that question. Are they genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say to answer that question? Right now I do not really feel anyone is genuinely interested in me, my thoughts, or feelings, or my struggles.
I am the kind of person who tends to complain a lot. I see the negative in just about everything. I am constantly frustrated and dealing with something.
Right now I am sooooooooo overwhelmed I can barely breathe. As I wrote in my last post I am struggling with depression right now, more so then usual. And it is getting worse and I am scared. Can I say that when someone asks me how I am? Or is that too much information? Can I say that tonight I envisioned myself packing up the baby in the middle of the night and going to a hotel room just so I can find some silence and serenity? Or maybe just abandoning my family altogether. Yeah, I thought about that. It isn’t cause I do not love my family. I just have so much on my plate right now and I am the kind of person who when overwhelmed begins to shut down completely or has panic attacks. I have both going on.
I love my children…. but I just cannot get control of them all right now. I don’t know how. They are out of control, so is my house, and so is my heart. It’s complete chaos. I get two steps forward and 5 steps backward.

I had really hoped my mother was going to come and live with us. She needs to. She can’t afford to live by herself anymore. She is desperately needed by me. Yet, I cannot tell her that. She is too busy looking for someone else to rescue. That’s what she does. She is more worried about my younger sister and has deemed me as the one she never has to worry about. And here I am holding on by a thread. losing my sanity. What am I going to do?
My husband is on spring break from school this week and yet he is not here. He is at the school, working on his senior project. I KNOW how important his schooling is. I never question it’s value or importance. I know he has to go to work and yet every time he leaves I panic. When I know he cannot be home for hours and that I have to take care of the kids by myself, I lose it.

What have I done to myself? What am I doing to my children?

My doc called in an antidepressant, only my pharmacy says they didn’t get it. So I called back and forth between the two over and over again, I will try again tomorrow.

Oh and today I had to go get my tooth fixed. What was a 350 dollar fix is now a 500 dollar fix. I have to go to a special periodontist for crown lengthening.

could it be PPD?

The last two weeks my emotions and frustration have taken on new heights. I have felt completely overwhelmed. I have broken down and cried often as I realized how much more i needed to do in one day, or for the week. If Dustin has to stay late at work or school, I have a complete meltdown. I have been angry at him and everyone about everything. I feel like the whole weight of responsibility for our family is on my shoulders. I don’t get any help around here from Dustin or the kids. I mean, it feels like I am pulling teeth to get any help.
Thursday was a major breaking point for me. I had asked Dustin to do some things on wednesday night, but he didn’t. I was exhausted because I didn’t have enough sleep the night before because Rebecca was up really late. Anyway…. I really lost it… I am embarrassed to admit that I was so angry at one point that I hit myself on the top of my head several times. I sound crazy… so I think it is time to call someone, before it gets any worse.
I hate depression. I hate how it affects me and everyone around me. I just want to cry and cry and cry right now.